I remember, vaguely, waking up in the morning on beautiful sunny summer or fall days and throwing open the windows, turning on the tunes, brewing a cuppa java or two and feeling alive with the awakening of the days in my life. That is never the case anymore.
I need to know your thoughts. Any of you out there who have experienced a major downward drop in your ability to be fully yourself, likely knows what I am referring to here. I suppose it is no different for anyone having a bad week or breaking a leg for someone who is very active. You are restricted from being whole. It’s difficult, annoying, unforgiving, and plain old boring. Now, imagine that occurrence lasting ten or twenty years or longer.
If you knew your broken leg would majorly slow you down for say, nine weeks, and it is football season, where you are usually out on the playing field either playing or rooting for the team, that has pretty much ended.
So, you have now placed yourself into my shoes as millions of others in this world have had their lives massively take a nosedive into what? a secret punishment? Have I been punished for something I did or didn’t do? How many times did this ugly accusation twist around in my brain, taking control of so much of my emotions?
Fast forward six or seven years after being sick for a few years already, and the pity party has ended. I have learned to accept my limitations but I am wondering if depression is playing a larger role in my daily routine than I have realized….
There is no more jumping into the shower first thing upon awakening. It’s straight to the coffee pot for the java and into my easy chair turning on my computer. Now, in all fairness, I should tell you, I have regained much of my mental clarity as far as remembering what I am learning on the pc. For years that was literally impossible as my cognitive abilities didn’t really wax and wane. I was mentally limited, so much so, I could not function anywhere near even fairly good. I’m not talking emotionally, but mentally.
A couple of months ago my depression was extremely severe. My two anti-depressants were not keeping me above water and I nearly drowned a few times. I finally was referred to a psychiatrist NP by my Christian counselor and she put me on 5mg of Abilify to boost the other antidepressants. I was also taken off of gluten and dairy…….WOW! Amazing is all I can say. My brain is actually working now and better than it has in years.
So my question is? Because I get up and sit while working on my recently released novel I wrote long before my brain got so bad, and updating WordPress and my newly designed website that I knew nothing about how to create and all of it was done by trial and error, do you think it is still my depression wreaking havoc on me or is it because I am so excited about using my brain again so much that I ignore housework, throwing open the windows? You know, that vibrant, “I am alive” sensation I used to once feel on beautiful mornings?
I really hope you all read this and respond to my questions because I am feeling guilt and sometimes disgust with myself. I am just so excited to be using my brain again that it seems it’s all I want to do. I continually check my sales on my novel for sale on createspace…. update, update, update the website and blog and I am also supposed to start blogging for a site in the U.K. from the perspective of an American versus Brit….
Please let me know your thoughts, as I need to make some changes if you think it might be the depression still haunting me.
I have much more energy, alertness, brainpower, etc. so I do and don’t feel guilt…lol What can I say? Please respond…..BE